Faking it

So, it’s time for an update. A fast blog entry to remind not only all of you I’m still around, but coach myself out of the isolating, imposter syndrome fueled funk I’ve been stewing in. So fun stuff! So. Much. Fun!

If there has been one thing, I have struggled with the most over the past four years, it is building an audience. If there was a second issue, it’d be self-editing as I write. That’s another blog entry, if I don’t delete it. Interacting with people, especially when there’s a need to do it, scares the shit out of me. I’ve blogged about it before, but I can’t overemphasize how daunting it is for me to reach out of my shell. Let alone with the intention of drawing attention to something I created. I can talk politics all day long. Get me on the topic of history, video games, books, and what have you, I will never shut up. However, putting myself out there, as a part of a package deal with my book– yeah…

Because I love to overanalyze everything, I wonder if it’s because there is a sense of worthlessness. Can you measure self-esteem and self-value in negative numbers? Naturally, when you try to find the root of negative numbers, you end up with imaginary answers. (Where are my math nerds at??). Anyway, the idea of me being successful in any respect is like using a healing spell on an undead target. It hurts them. Then there is the ever-faithful self-loathing. It hangs there eager to crush me no matter what path I choose.

“Oh, you didn’t follow through again? That’s because you’re a lazy coward.”

“I see you got the nerve to do something. Can’t wait to see how you fuck this up!”

And it goes on, tearing through the personal and professional sides of my life. Do I need to mention depression is a bitch?

There is a reason for this stream of consciousness. Over the past several days, I’ve been learning about marketing and ad generation. One of the tips is to create an author page on Facebook, which I have, and populate it with a fictional persona. Fictional!? I laugh at that. Why? Buddy, you don’t understand just how fictional I already feel! Not even talking about imposter syndrome. This is something at the deepest core of my nature. All of my life, especially my teenage and early adult years, all I ever felt was fictional.

When I was a kid and teenager, my own personal likes and ambitions were forced into a cage, because no one was ever interested in the things I enjoyed. What does one do in those situations? You invent a version of yourself they can tolerate, so you belong. I was lucky enough to have some friends who gazed past the facades and liked what they saw. Even so, I’ve hidden behind masks so I fit in. I wear them because I feel naked and vulnerable without them. They are ingrained in me. It’s taken me many years to learn what the false personas meant. They were self-repression. They’re a result of hearing too many times who I am wasn’t enough for people. Even if the people who enforced that belief didn’t take into account that reaction, it is what it is.

Needless to say, hearing these guides and how-to videos talk about creating fictional personas is a bit of a kick in the teeth. I’m trying to like me. More, I am trying to find what is really me and what isn’t. Once again, I’m being told who I am isn’t important. In order for people to like me and buy my material, I must be someone else. In other words, I must lie and distort. I’m not a fan of lying. It’s so hard to keep track of lies. Now that is not to say, I don’t like being glib. If you want proof, go read the About Me section. All of it is true, but I couldn’t resist the sardonic humor. That is the real me, by the way. Word for word; beat by beat.

Does that mean I will be totally truthful? Of course not! Where’s the fun in that? Like I’ve said in the past, I am BORING!!!! My average day is waking up somewhere between 6 and 10am, having a bowl of Froot Loops cereal because I have the palate of a five-year-old. As I eat, I catch up with Facebook. If I remember Twitter, I go check on it as well as emails. Then I open up my work-in-progress and stare at it as if by merely opening it, I will break through the cloud of self-doubt and magically punch out three to five thousand words. When that doesn’t work (and it never does), I go make the first of several cups of coffee. Maybe, I’ll read a book, but more often than not by lunch time I’ve made no progress on my WIP, but I’m pretty caught up on the news and drama of the day. The afternoon slinks on by. I debate whether or not I can vomit out a blog entry. By 5pm, I castigate myself for procrastinating and do a mad dash of anything remotely work related so I can look my wife in the eye when she comes home from her office. A fake me would have a far more interesting average day, but I am tired of being fake.

The real me has an ever-growing problem with obesity, and a penchant for punning. I go through FB fandom groups and want to violently choke people when they complain about problems beyond the writers’ control. I’m looking at you Star Trek groups! I shamelessly read Lore Olympus over and over by Rachel Smythe because she is a phenomenal writer and artist. Not to mention Merryweather’s work in Clinic of Horrors, Lovecraft Girls, and their new series Goth Girl and the Jock. I have cerebral palsy. It affects the right side of my body, but I am still ambulatory. So, no cool hiking stories, or much in the way of long walks in general. I stay inside mostly. I’m no fan of the outdoors, or anything above 70℉/21℃. In a lot of ways, I live vicariously through my stories.

When I write them, I’m taking an adventure as much as you are when you read them. That’s a lot cooler idea and element to brand than some bullshit fictional life. Both of us looking to each other for an escapism. It’s a far more honest approach. One I can get behind, even if it doesn’t generate torrents of people following me. I’m tired of disingenuous. So, I’ll post things I like on my author page. Greek and other cultures’ mythology? It’ll ruffle feathers among, shall we say the faithful, which is going to happen anyway eventually. I am a science geek, Trekkie, and a Star Wars nerd so get ready for all of that. I will try to keep the darker side of my humor off the page though. It’s never a good thing.

Thanks once again for reading me vent my spleen. I hope you all enjoyed this little window into my pathology. On the work front, The Goddess Chronicles is going back into rework mode. There is room for improvement, but I’m not going to leave you all hanging. There is another project I have in the works. It’s a departure from vampires, but I think there will be people out there who will like it. It’ll be a one-shot story, but I will likely break it up into parts. We’ll see!